HOW TO TRAIN YOUR DOG/ ASIAN SCHOOL BOY

Today, my dog was being a real ass hole.

I was like, "Hey dog, come inside."
 and he was like, "OH EM GEE BIRD."

But gladly, I have a patented method for training animals/ asians.

It all started on a trip to Washington DC during finals week, because my parents decided they didn't want me to study, and rather have me fail and become a prostitute. We were in the terminal, when we discovered almost the entire flight had been booked by a japanese school taking a trip to america, because that's what they do. They all had really nice haircuts, and wore intimidating asian blazers. We boarded the plane, and they had managed to surround us, me from my family. They started saying things in asian, and laughing. Worst of all, the cabin was flooded with the overwhelming scent of soy sauce.

After a while, they all decided to start texting (their kung fu masters I assume, for who else do asians talk to?), and the flight attendant walked up to them.

"Excuse me sir, but the usage of mobile electronics disrupts the planes navigational systems."
He looked at her, puzzled.
"Watashi wa, kawaii desu, mitsubishi?"
"Sir, please put away the phone."
"Ohhh, honda toyota tomagachi.

She then began to yell.
"Sir! Please, put it away!"
"Sasuke naruto sushi!"
"SIR, PLEASE COOPERATE."
"Ei, top ramen cup noodle."

He instantly understood, and put away the phone.

This leads me to believe that screaming at things is a way to cross language barriers, and communicate the impossible. If it works with asians, why wouldn't it work with dogs?

"DOG. GET YOUR PILLOW HUMPING ASS IN HERE. NOW."
And it worked!

This is amazing technology. With it, we can move train dogs, speak other languages, and control the universe around us! We might even be able to control inanimate objects.

"YOU LAZY ASS ROCK, MOVE."
"SAMMICH, MAKE YOUR SELF."
"HOMEWORK, GET DONE."

Dude. I feel like jesus.